Poised on the eve of a major life change, I have had to come to terms with some difficult emotional aspects that this change will bring. While this change is voluntary, and of my own making, it has not been without its stressors. It has brought great moments of joy and anticipation. These have then been eclipsed by moments of sorrow, fear, and sadness. It is a giving up of one life in return for another. As part of this change, I need to sift through a lifetime of possessions, making a decision of what to keep, and what to donate to charity. Most of it will be given away. It is time to pare down my life, and this is a perfect opportunity to determine what is most important.
Even as I write this post, with my laptop perched on my knees, my kitty, Fiona, is curled up on my lap, nestled deep in my arms. Her reassuring purr eases my saddened heart. She looks up at me with her beautiful green eyes, softly blinking, telling me she understands I am hurting. I wonder if she is trying to tell me to be sure to take her with me. Wherever I move in this house, she is at my heels. When I sit down for a moment, she jumps up into my arms, insisting I give her attention. I have never had an animal who is so perceptive, or so interested in offering comfort. Perhaps she senses I am in great turmoil during this transition. I am trying to keep my life on track, but truly, this change is taking a toll on my emotions.
As I sort through the many drawers, shelves, and boxes of my possessions, flashes of my life come to mind with great clarity. Each trinket and token bring back a special memory. A magnolia flower made of fine bone china reminds me of a trip with a dear friend to Mississippi one hot summer. A palette of water colours reminds me of time spent on the veranda at the Banff Spring hotel while I tried my best to paint the roses I saw in the garden. A book of fairy tales purchased when in Copenhagen reminds me of the time spent there. It is almost too much to bear. I know I have the memories of all my experiences in my mind and in my heart. But these physical reminders underscore the magnificent life I have lived so far.
Over the decades I have created an interesting library of books. I love books and find leaving them behind, or giving them away, to be the most difficult job of all. I love the words, the ideas, and the passion with which the various authors have poured into these works. I love knowing I can take any book off the shelf and spend an afternoon lost in another world. But, there are far too many books to make the journey from my old life to my new life. I will give most of them to the local used bookseller. I know he will enjoy them, and some day, a book lover just like myself will purchase and bring the books home, giving them new shelves to sit upon. And once again, their words will inspire and enchant someone else’s spirit.
While I am mourning the ‘loss’ of my current life, and all the wonderful possessions that have inhabited my world, there is much to look forward to. As a snake sheds her skin, there emerges a brighter, more vibrant being. This is the same process that I am going through. I am shedding the old, and will emerge brighter. This entire process has changed me at a most fundamental level. I look forward to the new chapter in my life. I look forward to all that I will learn, not only about myself, but about others as well.
It is true, as the saying goes: “Life is what we make it”. Our lives are not tied up in possessions, or belongings. While it hurts to willingly give up a lifetime of possessions, the memories will remain. I will bring into my new life only those things which matter most. I have no plans to replace what I am giving up. My goal is to look forward and create a new life. Eventually my new life will fill up with memories and mementos of a life lived. It will simply take time.
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