When I was a little girl my heart’s desire was to grow up and become a spy. I even wrote to the FBI to ask what the qualifications were for becoming a spy. The letter I received from them told me that strengths in languages and mathematics were very important. I thought I had it nailed as my idea of a spy was someone who was good at sneaking around. A spy had to be creative, shifty, and daring! Sneaking was my specialty, my gift, not math! I imagined a job that was exciting, exotic, and even dangerous. I wanted to be mysterious and elusive.
But of course, well-meaning adults suggested I consider something a bit more traditional, like teaching or nursing. They told me how unlikely it would be that I could ever become a spy.
Somewhere along the way, maybe it was late childhood, my passionate, brave ‘creative soul’ began to die as it was censored into submission. I learned to give acceptable answers to the questions silly grown-ups would ask like “What do you want to be when you grow up?” In my heart I still wanted to be a spy, but I would tell them something less adventuresome and this seemed to keep them happy. Saddest of all, though, is that eventually I believed what I told them and began to make preparations to study something that was ‘sensible’.
Then, when I discovered all that university had to offer, there came a time when my heart’s desire was to become a ‘professional’. More than anything I wanted to be able to take my education and use it in a role that would let me practice the art and science of my chosen discipline while helping others. It was the Holy Grail of my early 20’s. The degree obtained would open new worlds of challenge and satisfaction. It would allow me to support myself without relying on anyone else. It was only through the federal financial aid program, the holding down of two jobs for 8 years, and student loans that I was finally able to make that dream come true. While the skill sets learned were not the least bit spy-like, I am so very glad I did it.
Now, 18 years later, with a full ‘professional’ life behind me, and many more years of practice ahead, my heart’s desire has changed once again. Now my heart’s desire is to become a ‘creative soul’. The idea of becoming a spy still holds a special place in my memory, but sneaking about and derring-do are a bit more adventuresome than I can handle these days. However, I do love to wear black as it is so slimming!
More than anything I want to be able to take the ideas from my dreams and from my imaginings and paint beautiful pictures, or spin fleece into yarn for knitting, or tell a tarot tale so compelling it leaves the listener breathless. I would spend my mornings painting, my afternoons spinning, and my evenings telling stories while knitting. Maybe I could finally learn to play the piano.
Perhaps any or all of these things are possible. I just have to silence that censor within who has had such a hold on me for decades. I need to try, to experiment, to make mistakes, to see what works and what doesn’t. I need to learn to play again. Most of all, I need to believe in myself.
Maybe we all do.
But of course, well-meaning adults suggested I consider something a bit more traditional, like teaching or nursing. They told me how unlikely it would be that I could ever become a spy.
Somewhere along the way, maybe it was late childhood, my passionate, brave ‘creative soul’ began to die as it was censored into submission. I learned to give acceptable answers to the questions silly grown-ups would ask like “What do you want to be when you grow up?” In my heart I still wanted to be a spy, but I would tell them something less adventuresome and this seemed to keep them happy. Saddest of all, though, is that eventually I believed what I told them and began to make preparations to study something that was ‘sensible’.
Then, when I discovered all that university had to offer, there came a time when my heart’s desire was to become a ‘professional’. More than anything I wanted to be able to take my education and use it in a role that would let me practice the art and science of my chosen discipline while helping others. It was the Holy Grail of my early 20’s. The degree obtained would open new worlds of challenge and satisfaction. It would allow me to support myself without relying on anyone else. It was only through the federal financial aid program, the holding down of two jobs for 8 years, and student loans that I was finally able to make that dream come true. While the skill sets learned were not the least bit spy-like, I am so very glad I did it.
Now, 18 years later, with a full ‘professional’ life behind me, and many more years of practice ahead, my heart’s desire has changed once again. Now my heart’s desire is to become a ‘creative soul’. The idea of becoming a spy still holds a special place in my memory, but sneaking about and derring-do are a bit more adventuresome than I can handle these days. However, I do love to wear black as it is so slimming!
More than anything I want to be able to take the ideas from my dreams and from my imaginings and paint beautiful pictures, or spin fleece into yarn for knitting, or tell a tarot tale so compelling it leaves the listener breathless. I would spend my mornings painting, my afternoons spinning, and my evenings telling stories while knitting. Maybe I could finally learn to play the piano.
Perhaps any or all of these things are possible. I just have to silence that censor within who has had such a hold on me for decades. I need to try, to experiment, to make mistakes, to see what works and what doesn’t. I need to learn to play again. Most of all, I need to believe in myself.
Maybe we all do.
1 comment:
The internet is the best for being a spy... you can sneak around and spy on people's blogs, google them, and just generally sneak around.
Have fun!
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